Since I started dating, guys (and a recent Buzzfeed quiz) have only consistently said one thing about me- I’m intimidating. At first this really bothered me because I didn’t feel intimidating. I make my roommates kill spiders, I cried like an asshole while watching UP, I can’t watch scary movies or even the trailers on TV, and when it comes to car repairs/maintenance I am completely and totally helpless- I thought the tire pressure light was a Pac-Man ghost, whoever designed that was drunk.
Those qualities don’t seem to fit the profile of a girl who’s intimidating. However, those aren’t the things I lead with when I first meet a guy. I know I’m confident, bold, and aggressive, but is it really that scary?
The thing that confuses me the most is that I always hear guys say they want the confident, independent girl who can hold her own, but then when they get her I watch them all run away and date the girl they can walk all over. I think I have a pretty good idea of what the actual “problem” is, but getting a guy’s perspective will be way more interesting, so I’m enlisting my bro-friend, Adam.
Adam and I actually share a lot of similar qualities, we’re both witty, extremely charming, a blast in Vegas, crazy good looking, and incredibly modest- it’s actually our best quality. It’s obvious that his opinion is necessary.
So, Adam, you know me and may be familiar with my “intimidating” ways, please spill the beans on what the hell guys are so afraid of?
Hey world. First a few notes: Modesty is definitely the best amongst our many, many qualities. Also, Queenie is right. About a number of things actually. We are both crazy good looking and UP is a goddamn sob fest. Pixar, you God damned geniuses.
Ok now down to business. When discussing the topic of why guys often choose someone they can walk all over instead of the confident showstopper they met at the bar it’s important to remember a few things, the first being that guys are idiots. The second thing to remember is that most guys are giant hypocrites. They see a good looking girl ordering drinks with friends, being the life of the party and the initial reaction is that, “Man, I need to meet that girl.” This is important to remember (and sorry it’s harsh…I’m a blunt kind of person) but if you’re meeting someone out for the first time you aren’t drawn to the homely looking shy girl in the corner. In a single bar scene everyone, both male and female, is out big game hunting. You want that person who, frankly, is awesome.
Here comes the part where guys are hypocritical shitheads. If one of us is fortunate enough to meet a confident girl it takes an equally confident guy to make it work in the long run. The same thing that draws us to someone at a bar is what can ruin a man who is secretly insecure. Most guys suck at talking about what makes them insecure and so instead of addressing it with a woman they get aggressive and start accusing a girl of cheating, or flirting when in reality she’s the same confident girl that attracted them in the first place. The problem is that they’re so afraid of losing her because they know someone else will see the same things that makes her so attractive. This could be resolved if the guy could actually talk about what he’s feeling but most guys suck at that.
Here’s a perfect example: as Queenie mentioned we are one in the same. I’m very confident, incredibly outgoing and I pride myself on my appearance and my wit. However, what most people don’t know about me is I have a real shitty self-image. It’s why I work out every single day. I’m in great shape but I never feel like it is enough. I’m basically like a 13 year old girl looking at a Cosmo. The difference between me and most guys is I can talk about my insecurities. My wife knows that I work out so much because of my vanity and so she can poke fun about it with me and I have never accused her of checking out other guys because I’m an idiot.
As the great philosopher Ludacris once said, “They wants a lady in the streets but a freak in the bed.” Most guys want a girl to be both confident but also taking a back seat to their own ego. The point of this ramble is way back up at the top…guys are idiots.
Adam, have I told you lately how perfect you are? There’s no denying the wise words of the great philosopher Ludacris, but I also prefer the wise words of the person who printed my latest t-shirt: Stark in the streets Wildling in the sheets. 🙂
If I have to be honest, for a while I thought I was doing something wrong. I couldn’t understand why a guy would tell me he liked me and want to take me out and then follow it up with- but I bet you have like 10 other guys (this has happened multiple times). Out of nowhere they had these defeatist attitudes and somehow thought they weren’t good enough to date me and it made me sad. I’d laugh it off but I would feel awful because I knew I liked these guys for a reason, they had great qualities, but they didn’t see the same great qualities in themselves. It’s such a let-down!
A note to the men- If you have the attention of the confident woman you’re doing a hell of a lot better than a lot of men. If she’s actually paying attention to you there’s something she likes. Does it guarantee it’s going to end in a relationship? No. That’s the danger of dating in general. But, she’s probably secretly rooting for you and you need to stop letting your insecurities get in the way. Just go with it!
Adam, before we wrap up, any advice you can give to the ladies?
I suppose my advice for ladies is the same I would offer the guys: be yourself. You and I are good friends because were straight with each other. There’s too much stuff to deal with in life as it is to try and worry about putting up some façade because you just met a new guy or girl. When people start dating (or are thinking about dating) there is this awesome moment when each side thinks the other one is perfect. You can’t keep your hands off each other and it’s exciting but it’s also fake. If you’re upfront with each other from the word “go” then you can make things be real and work (if you want them to). In fact, and this goes for both sexes, showing humility and having a sense of humor about your insecurities is a GREAT way to strike up a conversation with someone you just met.
I’ve been blessed (hashtag blessed, you guys) in the sense that I was born good looking and smart (hashtag humblebrag) but it’s not like I’m the 2nd coming of Ryan Gosling, so when I used to meet women in bars I wouldn’t just assume they thought I was so attractive that they’d fall for me. If I was interested I’d talk with them and try to make them laugh. It’s a great way to get to know each other quickly and see if your personalities are compatible. As I mentioned above, of course our first reactions happen because of their looks. This is real life not AOL Instant Messenger. But if you come across a gorgeous lady (or Ryan Gosling) and then they happen to be awesome as a person too? Well you just #nailedit.
At the end of the day if you’re looking for someone to spend the rest of your life with then try being yourself from the get go and not some plastic, window shopping version of you. If you’re just trying to spend the rest of the night with them… then eff it and ask to see their abs.
Abs-olutley perfect advice (see what I did there).
I have to admit, I’m actually a big fan of the humor tactic. Example: A guy ran into me at the bar and his hand just so happened to land on my chest. He was mortified and kept apologizing and I said, “OMG, no worries! I can’t feel anything through all of this padding!!” I laughed, he laughed and I patted myself on the back for delivering a solid ice breaker. When people can laugh at themselves or make a joke out of a situation it takes away the pressure. Everything instantly becomes more fun, and meeting new people and striking up random conversations should be just that, fun!
Truthfully, to be confident is to understand that you’re not perfect and be OK with it, REALLY OK with it. I can walk like a boss in stilettos, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t tripped. Actually, I completely bit it in a bar two weeks ago, but I got back up and strutted to the bar to get a drink #likeaboss! It takes time to recognize and own all of your imperfections, but when you do, there’s no denying confidence is SMOKING HOT! It’s hands down my favorite quality in a guy.
For the ladies, I once read a quote that went something like: If you have to keep taking jewels out of your crown so it’s easier for a man to carry, you need to find a man with bigger hands.
All you need to know here is that you can’t force a man to be the person you want him to be. He can change, but he has to want to do that on his own and unfortunately, guys move in football time, 2 minutes takes like 20 years. Bottom line, you’re too pretty and life is too short to sit around and wait for some guy to get his shit together. Get out there and live it up, you just may bump into someone that will make you glad you didn’t wait!
Adam, thank you for contributing and looking great. If any of you need to work on your confidence levels, hang out with us for a night, we’ll get you right- or at least really drunk! Liquid courage is cool too!