I always dreamed of going to a club in Cleveland where I could dance with a guy that had a job and didn’t still live with his parents. Clearly, someone understood my need for such a place and decided to open Vault. It’s fresh, it’s modern and it definitely has a certain vibe that Cleveland was missing. The space itself is cool, it was an old bank vault, and for a club there’s surprisingly enough room to move around. Now, enough of that, let’s get to what matters …
2 shots of Fireball, 2 vodka sodas, a tip and I was at $50. A night at Vault is not going to be cheap, however the old adage is true- you get what you pay for.
Well, the bouncers wear suit coats and ties, so there’s that. I almost contemplated throwing a tantrum and getting kicked out just so one of them would pick me up and throw me over his shoulder. Worth it. Anyways, dress to impress! Jeans are acceptable, but make a strong attempt to look like you’re not homeless.
If you want a table or a private room for your friends plan on a $600 minimum. Considering drinks are about $10 a piece, this actually isn’t a bad deal if you have a larger group of people- or a rich friend. Here’s the thing, the private rooms are private. If you want to be seen, you’re not going to like this. You’ll have to keep walking out of your room to do laps to scope out the talent. If you don’t want to be seen and just want a night with your friends, you’re going to love it. When you call for a table you can talk about where you’ll be sitting. There are some bigger tables by the dance floor that put you in the middle of all of the action, so you at least have options.
Vault has hired students from Hogwarts to clean the bathrooms because only magic can keep a bathroom THAT clean. I feel like these bathrooms should be the prototype for every future club bathroom. Everything is bright and white and there are so many stalls! No lines, ladies! #thestruggle
Get ready to dance your pants off, not literally, unless you want a bouncer to throw you over his shoulder (hmmm). Here you’ll find real DJs, which means they’re not taking your requests. They mix everything and there’s definitely something for everyone- house music, rap, pop, basically anything that has a beat is getting mixed and played. Start working on your moves.
The Talent (this one’s special, I made you a game):
This place is still new and it’s definitely still defining itself, so the crowd can be a little … confusing. Actually it’s a complete mind f*ck, it’s truly fascinating. However, if you want to meet someone with an actual career and a 401k then this is your place! Your dominant crowd is definitely your 28-35 year olds. But what’s a Cleveland club without seeing some of our finest?!
If you’re not familiar with what I call the “usual suspects,” turn it into a little game. Every time you see one of the usual suspects (listed below), take a shot! It’s like an adult version of Where’s Waldo. FUN! Here they are in no particular order:
The Sugar Daddy/Midlife Crisis Bro- (Sigh) This Guy. He’s got his designer jeans on, you know the ones with the thick white stitching and the Affliction shirt (face palm). Take two shots if you see him put on sunglasses. Oh boy.
The Cougars- Your 55 year old mom. In a bandage dress. You just thought about your mom in a bandage dress, didn’t you? Take a shot, quickly!
The Posers- These individuals aren’t rich, but they’re sure going to make you think they are! They’re ordering drinks and bottles like it’s going out of style and proudly flashing their credit cards that are no doubt maxed out. They don’t care, they’re charging it to the game! Raise your (free) shot glass, cheers to fiscal irresponsibility!
The Hotel Guest- You’ll run into a few of these people considering Vault is located in a hotel. They’re actually really fun and down for a good time. As a matter of fact, I was approached by a 24 year old out-of-towner who told me he wished he wasn’t staying in a room with his parents because he’d really like to take me upstairs. Bless his heart. I did two shots.
The Athletes- Since this place is more upscale it definitely attracts its fair share of athletes. You probably won’t see them as they don’t come out of the private rooms. However, you’ll know there are athletes in a room because what you will see are the individuals experiencing the thirst.
THOTS/Bottle Rats- If you see a girl pop out of a room wearing anything Michael Kors or any label that makes you never want to wear it again, take a shot because you’ve just spotted a THOT! Gentleman, avoid this breed- unless you have 1.2 million Twitter followers and the bank account to match.
Bachelorette Parties– A whole lot of high pitched “woo-ing” on the dance floor and penis everything. YEP! It’s no doubt one of at least seven bachelorette parties you will see that night. I actually can’t advise you to take shots on this one because you will see so many you’ll end up with alcohol poisoning.
Ok, now that we’ve scoped out the talent it’s time to talk about your return on investment. In terms of finding a hottie you can make out with and bring home to mom, my roommate thinks the odds are slim because it’s too expensive to get drunk and make bad decisions. I disagreed, that may also be because I have a low tolerance and equally low standards. Bottom line, the odds are in your favor! Start working on your pick-up lines.
I was there more recently and had the pleasure of meeting Kenny Didier, the General Manager. I’m pretty sure if you Google “nicest man on the planet” Kenny’s picture will appear. Kenny gave me a tour and then showed me the one room I actually asked to see. It’s a private room reserved for the LeBron James’ and Kevin Love’s and in this room anything goes. The neon sign in the back that read “Roll Your Own” didn’t give that away. I didn’t bother asking how much it was because using Monopoly money is not an option.
For a Cleveland club this is number 1 on the list and it will stay that way- until Super Pimp shows up.