We Need to Have “The Talk”

In Dating, Divorced, Love, Relationships by Queenie0 Comments

The talk. It’s made girls cry, boys crumble and people give up on a relationship because they’re too afraid to get their feelings hurt. Having a talk requires two people to be honest and vulnerable, two things I have come to learn that people absolutely HATE and will avoid at all possible costs.

Apparently, there are rules to having the talk and I’m pretty sure they mostly apply to girls. We’re supposed have to wait to have a serious talk with a guy because if we do it too soon we’re psycho and clingy and rushing things, we can’t have the talk before sex, we can’t have the talk after sex; we basically can’t do anything to push a guy’s buttons. Fortunately, I love breaking rules and pushing buttons. #rebel

I was texting my guy friend a while ago and I told him to stop me from bringing up the talk with a guy. I told him to tell me to not be a psycho, typical girl and remind me that I should just play it cool.

And then after I said it I immediately regretted it.

I’m not a psycho or a typical girl for asking a guy I’m “dating” if we’re on the same page. What I AM is a woman that has self-respect and I absolutely refuse to waste my time on someone that can’t be honest about what he wants. And I’m DEFINITELY not going to stick around and wait while he tries to figure it out. Forgive me for not wanting to be treated like a doormat.

Unfortunately for us ladies who are a little more vocal, we get the aggressive/intimidating label and no longer fit a guy’s standard definition of what it means to be a cool girl. But here’s exactly what happens when you play it cool in order to get the guy.  You act fake and you sacrifice what you want out of a relationship to end up in something that lasts over a decade and ends in divorce. You made the guy fall in love with someone you were pretending to be, not the person you actually are.

My relationship with my ex ran entirely on his terms and believe me when I say I made every rookie mistake, repeatedly. He’d dodge hanging out with me on the weekends to run around with the guys, but I was there every time he would call me at 2am. I’d let him get out of family functions and then I’d make excuses for him. We’d always have to hang out with his friends, but we could never hang out with mine. I did everything to keep the guy, I did everything that made him happy but ending up making me sad.

I know it makes him sound like a bad, selfish person, but he wasn’t. In all actuality, I was the bad person. I was the bad person because I enabled his behavior. I was insecure, I had a serious lack of respect for myself and I never said what I needed to say when it should have been said. I was so afraid of losing the guy that I sacrificed what made me happy to keep someone else happy. I was the bad person because I expected someone to make me a priority when I never made myself a priority.

There was a time I didn’t hear from my ex for about a week. I of course thought he was over me and the disappearing act was his way of saying he was done. I refused to call him because I’m INSANELY stubborn. He finally did call and asked me to lunch and of course I said yes, well I actually said, “Fine.” To which he immediately asked, “What’s wrong?”

I told him how I felt, I told him I hated that I hadn’t talked to him in a week. Completely clueless, he said oh, you actually want to talk to me every day?! (Face palm)

What we did that day was find a balance. That’s what having any talk is about, meeting in the middle to create a balance. He hated talking on the phone, I liked to hear from him every day. He said he’d make more of an effort and I told him I wouldn’t freak out because I finally understood he wasn’t pulling a disappearing act, it was just one of his things and I was ok with that. We were finally on the same page- about something.

Looking back, that conversation was so easy compared to other conversations we had. Because when you’re in a relationship, the talk never really ends- there’s marriage, finances, kids, where we spend the holidays, etc. There are a lot of difficult conversations you’d rather walk away from, but relationships won’t work if you’re not willing to hear each other out and work through something together. If you can’t get through a basic relationship talk, there’s no way you’ll get through the really difficult stuff life throws your way.

I always wished I would have taken the time to address things sooner than I did. If I actually had the balls to stick up for myself I can’t help but wonder if things would have been different. Heck, we could have called it quits and gone our separate ways and my life could be completely different. There’s no way of knowing.

What I do know is that I can’t make those same mistakes again and I promised myself I wouldn’t. So, when I feel like I need to talk to a guy about our relationship, I’m going to do it when I want to do it and I’m not making any apologies for it.

There is no right or wrong time to have a discussion, because when you actually have to have THE talk, there’s already a problem in the relationship and it’s more than likely a lack of communication. Something’s not clicking and wanting to have a talk is an attempt to better understand each other and that’s actually a good thing. I’m 99.8% sure this behavior is called acting like an adult, recognizing there’s an issue and wanting to face it head on. Like a boss!

You can guess that the few talks I have had, have not gone well. But I’m done saying that too, because maybe instead of getting the guy what I really needed to get was another opportunity. Maybe it was an opportunity to get away from something that wasn’t quite right. Maybe it was an opportunity to sit back, take a breather and think about what I really want. Who knows, but it was an opportunity and opportunities should not be wasted, especially if it gives you the chance to do a little reflecting.

I may not fit a guy’s definition of what it means to be the cool girl. But I wasn’t asking for any guy’s approval, I only need my own, and I think I’m pretty damn awesome. Through my experience, I’ve learned that the actual “cool girl” respects herself enough to tell someone what she wants, and respects the guy enough to want to know what he wants.

Whether the talk results in being on the same page with someone or deciding to go your separate ways, it’s my own tiny little victory to know that I’ve finally made myself a priority and this time around, I haven’t settled for anything less than I deserve.

Sometimes it takes having a talk with someone to reevaluate what you really want. Sometimes it takes having a talk with someone to realize what you  needed all along was a wake-up call.

Last night I woke the fuck up.


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