For me, the worst part about being single is the late night text- anything from 2-4am. I’m an overanalyzer and an overthinker, so those texts are my worst nightmare. I usually screenshot it and send it to approximately 45 different people asking the one and only question we all ask when our phone goes off at 2am- does he like me or does he just want laid?
When I tell my dude friends that a guy late night texted me they say two things- ignore him and don’t sleep with him. But when I tell them I’ve used my skills as a supreme overanalyzer to place my nocturnal predators into four different categories, they think about it for a minute and then finally admit that I’m right. Because they’ve also been guilty of all four.
So, ladies, when a guy texts you late night it’s because …
1. HE JUST WANTS LAID
Don’t overanalyze it, don’t overthink it. There’s absolutely no reason to read into anything he’s saying because “u awake,” “u up,” “hey,” they only mean one thing. I want laid.
2. HE’S OVER EAGER
This is the hot nerd category. Think IT guys and doctors. You can’t have it all, and when you have a brain that big the part responsible for social interaction doesn’t work, its science. They’re not good at picking up girls, they don’t have the lines or the charm. What they do have, is their brain, and well, nerds are hot! Especially nerds that slang weights. I can’t even.
When you go in for the kill (because he’s too shy) and he’s just figured out he’s actually landing the girl, prepare yourself. His behavior is going to change and you’re going to think he just snorted 3 lines behind your back because out of nowhere he has energy for days! What you now have on your hands is an Eager Beaver and a rapid fire late night texter. See above.
These guys are actual potentials and will fall in love, quickly. If you can get past the fact that they go from 0 to 60 when they get excited and send grammatically incorrect text messages, go for it, reply to his text. Get it, girl!
3. HE HAS LIQUID COURAGE
These are the guys that like you and know they have to keep your attention because they don’t want another guy to swoop in, but they’re not the best communicators. They send really dumb texts like, “It’s cold out.” (It’s February. In Cleveland.) You forgive it because he tries, which is a lot more than other people do, and in person he’s pretty cool. He wants to ask you out and tries but it’s always awkward, he’s terrified of rejection and settles on asking your weekend plans so he can conveniently run into you. Once he’s out he’ll take a couple shots to take the edge off and then he starts blowing up your phone. Liquid courage is in full effect, here come a barrage of late night texts.
I would have been able to forgive Rico for his bad texting, but he didn’t get my sense of humor. Deal breaker. (I’m seriously a riot. At least my mom thinks so.)
4. WHO THE HELL KNOWS
My only wish for the guys in this category is that they have daughters. Multiple daughters.
I hate to say that all guys are the same, but these guys, they’re the same. They promise you the moon and stars and then they back pedal. They even word vomit the same lines, maybe you’ve heard them. (Oh, when you hear any of these quality lines just add “with you” to the end of them.) Examples include but are not limited to:
I’m just not ready for a relationship (with you).
I don’t want to label anything right now (or ever, WITH YOU).
And my personal favorite …
I have commitment issues (WITH. YOU.).
Excuse. After excuse. After excuse. That’s all it ever is. You’ll answer his 2am texts like a dumbass because you’re delusional and think that maybe this time it’ll be different. But it’s not, it never is. While he may genuinely like you, it’s not enough to commit to you. You’re more than a friend and less than a girlfriend, you’re an option and he has plenty of others. Maybe you’ll realize that when he actually comes to your door texting another girl.
You’ll wonder when you’ll stop. But first, you’ve got to find the thing that keeps you hanging on, and I’ll just give you the answer so you can move on.
You finally feel something. That’s it.
Whether its anger, hatred, excitement, it’s a rush and you FINALLY feel something for someone and it feels good. It’s addicting, you dwell on that feeling and use it to justify his behavior and give him a pass for using you and treating you like shit.
The good news here is that although you won’t believe me, you’ll find someone else who gives you that feeling and he’ll actually do something that only men know how to do.
He’ll text you when the sun’s out. So crazy!
As for Bromeo. He definitely came over to talk to me about another girl he liked but was kind enough to let me know he’d totally have sex with me. Thank God! It’s fine though. He totally respects me, he told me he did.
It’s up to you whether you hook up with these guys or not. It’s your body, your life, do whatever doesn’t make you feel like shit in the morning. But I will tell you that continually sleeping with the guy will not make him commit.
My bro bestie said it best, “The most magical of vaginas won’t turn a douchebag into Prince Charming.”