Ladies, this power that we all possess- it’s the power to pick up guys! I know, I’ve just blown your mind! You probably feel like Harry Potter the day he found out he was a wizard, totally normal, I felt the same way.
Guys are actually really easy and fun to hit on. They don’t expect it so they’re thrown and they lose all ability to function like normal human beings. They start stuttering, they can’t form complete sentences and they stare at you like they’re half in love with you half terrified of you. I find it fascinating, you really have to go out and experience this!
On the road to perfecting my super power, an opportunity presented itself and I took full advantage. Plus, it was time for me to advance to the next level of my super power bad ass-ness.
It was a Tuesday, I met Bronx for dinner at a bistro. Bronx is basically my twin, we’re both highly career driven, ambitious, and have ghetto booties. She’s from Youngstown and lived in New York. I have no idea where she lived in NY but because she’s tough, I’d pick the Bronx. (Update: We went out the other night and I asked her where she actually lived- Hell’s Kitchen. Even better!)
We were sitting at the bar and a really good looking guy walked in, most importantly he was tall. The bar was shaped like an L, he sat around the corner from us and was perfectly in my view. He handed his credit card to the bartender and told him to put everything on it. My heart sank. I knew he was there early waiting on a girl, he was on a date.
Just then Barbie walked through the door. Platinum blonde, huge boobs and a face pumped full of Botox. She walked over and shook his hand and sat down, definitely a first date. Bronx and I looked at each other and twisted our faces in disgust! Worst of all she pulled up in one of those two-seater BMW’s, which is my least favorite car on the planet. I decided I hated her and it was my civic duty to save him.
I was furious and told Bronx as soon as that broad went to the bathroom I was moving in and stealing him. Does anyone even understand what it’s like trying to find a tall man in Cleveland?! They’re like unicorns!
Finally, Barbie got up and went to the bathroom. I was about to get my moment and I needed to be quick!
I turned and looked at my guy and flashed him a smile.
“Christian Mingle or Match.com?”
His face turned red. “Excuse me? What?”
“Christian Mingle or Match.com?”
“OH MY GOD! WHAT?! NO! My boss set it up!”
“Well, your boss got it all wrong. I don’t like her for you. You’re WAY too cute for her. Just sayin.”
“Ummm, thank you?”
I was completely calm and he was insanely flustered, he kept shifting in his seat nervously looking between me and the bathroom. The lady that sat in between us loved every minute of what was happening. She kept looking back and forth between us and kept smiling and shaking her head at me.
Barbie was on her way back and I turned around in my seat and smiled and drank my beer.
Bronx looked at me and laughed, “You got in his head. He can’t even focus!” He definitely couldn’t. Barbie was talking to him but he would occasionally look over at me. I was full on staring and smiling at him and I loved watching him get even more flustered. But there was a little problem, Bronx and I knew he wasn’t a closer. Even though I initiated this and gave him the green light to come after me, he wasn’t going to do it, I completely threw him and he wasn’t quick enough to handle this.
It was time to enlist the bartender.
Ladies and gentleman. Bartenders are your best friends. They are STELLAR wingmen/women. Always treat them with respect and always tip them nicely.
I went to the bathroom and on my way grabbed the bartender. “Hey, I need your help. You know that guy at the end of the bar on the date? I’m stealing him and I need to close this little deal. Can you put a pen at my seat so I can write my cell phone number on my business card? Then when he asks for his check grab my card and tuck it in there.”
He laughed. “Ummm yes, you’re amazing! I wish a girl would have done this to me.”
When I got back to my seat my pen was waiting. I wrote down my cell phone number and two minutes later Christian Mingle asked for his check. The bartender picked up my business card and tucked it in his bill and handed it over.
Bronx and I turned our chairs and stared at him waiting for his reaction. And it was PRICELESS! He opened it up, his eyes got huge and he immediately slammed it shut and shot me a look. I shrugged my shoulders and smiled. Bronx and I were cracking up. He was DONE! Barbie kept talking to him, completely oblivious as to what was happening, and he just shook his head at her, it was all going in one ear and out the other.
They left the restaurant and I watched him give her an I-don’t-like-you hug before she got in her car. 10 minutes later he text me asking me to meet him for drinks two days later. Yeahhhh buddy!!
We had a great time, but obviously since I’m still single it didn’t really work out. He made it into one of my top 5 guy moments and if one things for sure, he will never forget about the girl that picked him up while he was on a date.
Remember, if you like a guy you have to do the equivalent of hitting him in the face with a brick, I mean they’re slow- sorry fellas. Take advantage, turn the tables and have fun with it. Lose the attitude that the guy has to hit on you first, they’re actually equally if not more nervous. Who knows, you just may snag your Prince Charming.